Saturday, August 7, 2010

why i hate home depot

i am painting the trim in my front two rooms and after days of inhaling the volatile compounds and being ever so high from the aroma, i decided to head to the home depot for a low-voc alternative. i walked up to the paint counter to be greeted by a bleached blond, heavy set girl that oozed a disgruntled, slovenly air while loudly smacking on neon yellow chewing gum. as a greeting, she collapsed upon the counter and grunted, "yeh?" i placed my order for no or low-voc paint. i did not expect this to be a problem. she stared at me for several seconds, blinking her eyes repeatedly before asking what that was. really?? i explained it. she had never heard of such a thing and since she was unaware that such paint existed, home depot could not possibly carry it. i could not help but notice that her bright orange apron not only gave her a vague resemblance to an over sized orange but that it also had "EXPERT" sewn into the fabric. i wondered what she could possibly be an expert in. i assured her that they carried that type of paint. it is after all hot to be eco-friendly. she shrugged. i suggested getting a second opinion at which point she hollered across the store like a pig farmer calling the hogs back in for the night. another supremely intelligent being approached the counter, mumbled something about "fresh air" paint, vanished in search of it, and came back empty handed. they discussed it for a few minutes, when orange number one said in between bubble gum smacks, "yeh so what then, i'll have to match it?" yes i thought, you will have to match it. you work at the paint counter. you have to match paint all day. that is the majority of your daily duties at the home depot. she called an off duty employee, another expert in the field no doubt, and vanished down one of the many aisles. at this point i noticed a display of clearly marked LOW-voc paint. hmmm, i thought. she returned to tell me they had discontinued such a thing. i repeated what she said because it was so nutty to me on so many levels. one, i was looking at the product behind her and two, in this "green" friendly state of things there is no way in hell they discontinued it. i took a deep breath and pointed out the display and what the display said. she grunted, shrugged and said, "Uh we don't have it. he said we discontinued it." well then if joe the home depot off duty expert-in-his-field employee said it, it fucking must be true. i quietly exited the building, drove to lowes where the wonderful gentleman did not greet my question incredulously as though i had spoken in an alien tongue.

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