birthday

i turn 38 at the end of this month and that is enough to get me re-evaluating my life. i am a reasonably happy person. i love my city and for the most part, my jobs but i can't help feeling like something is missing. perhaps i should be farther along in my life, a famous writer or successful artist. maybe i am just spinning my wheels. i know that i have been wasting a lot of time and energy on relationships that don't work and maybe that is a self-created distraction that prevents me from focusing on the goals i wish to attain. i fail in relationships so i don't have to fail at other things. how is that for a little pop psychological self analysis? turning 38 will do that for you. over all, my thirties have been good to me. i felt more confident in myself and more sure of who i wanted to be even if i have yet to totally become that person. i studied and got my tour guide's license and bought a house. i'm proud of those achievements. i regret the string of failed relationships that are behind me like so many train wrecks. oh, the carnage. i regret not standing up for myself more in my most recent relationship. i am not sure why i endured the abuse and constant teasing. one wonders these things. well, here is to growing up and learning life's many lessons along the way. i have begun feverishly preparing for a new series of paintings and am currently putting together a writing portfolio. here is to hoping that 38 is the year i make my mark on the literary and artistic worlds. and here is to evolution, may we all continue to evolve. damn, i hope i do!