my birthday

i sat in the bar last night, sometime after midnight and so officially my birthday. i watched a man carry feathered pillows down decatur street. he was homeless and it was cold out. i was suddenly grateful for the things i have. it was not a bar that i would normally frequent but i was lured down there with the promise of a kiss from the bartender. i was caught up in the moment and forgot that it was also troy's birthday and the first drink on our birthday is always to him. troy died of aids when we were barely 21. 21, my god! can you imagine ever having been so young? there was nothing that we could not do. everything lay before us. i was caught up in the moment, kissing the bartender and i forgot to toast troy. i feel guilty for forgetting him. well, here is to you my brother. we are 38 and that is a long ways away from 21. i'm living in new orleans just like we always talked of doing but i still think back to all those days at the river park, swinging as high as we could go. every time i think about you plowing your car through the church and all the way to the pulpit just before easter sunrise services, i laugh. damn but you would love it here. new orleans has the same fucked up luck that we always seemed too. the things we could get into together. i miss you troy and i really wish you were here to celebrate our birthday together.